Life and Death

August 8, 2006

31 july 2006

I went to my dads the other day. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. My daughter asked to go, she never does that, and I then got this niggling feeling that something might be wrong so off we went. BF stayed at home.

When we got there dad was going out on the bus so we didnt really get to see him, just a quick cha on the side of the road. Then I went to Petes housewho lives round the corner to my dad. Went thru his gate and didnt see or hear any evidence of his dog. Knocked on the door, it was a new door. No barking. A lady answered. Now, me knowing Pete I knew he couldnt have pulled :P

“You arent Pete” I said


“Do you know where he has gone?”

“He passed away”

Now, normally I’d have said “Yeah right” but the fact that this was a housing assoc house and it had a new door, the fact the kennel and greenhouse were gone from the garden and no barking, I knew she wasnt kidding. I then just burst into tears on this poor womans doorstep. She let me in and made me a cup of tea and went and got the girls in from the car for me. She didnt know anything really about how he’d died. She’d been there a week and the place was very bear but Petes old curtains were still up. So, she obviously didnt know people and couldnt point me in the direction of who was dealing with Petes …well…his death if you know what I mean. She gave me some mail to pass on to his brother, I vaguely recalled where he lived and it was on the way home.
We talked about Petes garden, he loved his garen/plants. He grew all sorts of exotic plants, banana trees, palms etc, grew them all from seed, knew all the latin names for plants and would always refer to plants by their latin name. We’d go on walks years ago and he’d stop to hold a flower in his fingers “isnt it beautiful!” and give you the latin name, wether it was a native plant etc.

When I’d sort of composed myself again we left. I went to a lady who I knew on the road Pete lived on ( I grew up there and some of the old villagers are still there) She opened the door and I burst into tears again. She told me what she knew, that he’d had cancer, an ambulance took him to hospital and he died 2 weeks later. She could tel me no more but said paddy would know. Paddy was not there when we went round :( Anyway, she then went on to tell me that sylia’s son had killed himself last month…????!!!??!! I was like “SHIT!” He’d left no note, gone to work normally that day, gone home and hung himself :( Thats just so sad.

Eventually I left, my head fried.
I stopped off at Petes brothers house o the way home. I didnt knwo which was his house so knocked on a couple of doors till I found someone who knew where he lived. he was out but arrived back just as I was going to leave.

All I can say is “What an arrogant fucking tosser!!”

“Its no good giving me his mail” he said in a really ‘I dont give a shit’ voice. he then went on to say how they’d never got on, that it was tragic his death but what the hell. He seemed realy reluctant to talk to me, seemed pissed off that I knew where he lived. I told him I’d been there before with Pete to see their other brother( who died a few years back) who lived in the flat below this brother. When I said that I had thought they’d started to get a long again since the brother died he said “NO”

“But Pete said you used to talk on msn”


So, I dont know, maybe they didnt get along at all and Pete had just said they did, which made me sad.

I did manage to get out of him that Pete got cancer diagnosed 4 years ago and just didnt tell anyone, nor seek treatment, so all the times I’d seen him in the last 4 years he knew he was dying and didnt say. While that didnt surprise me, its very Pete, it upset me no end. I didnt cry in front of this guy though, he was making me feel so uncomfortable. He just didnt seem to care and was making it clear he didnt want to speak to me.

I did know there was friction between them all for a VERY long time, and I knew his mother was a bit…odd. Pete talked about her with contempt but I was never sure what had happened, he didnt like her.She died but I cant recall when, within the last 8 years or so I think.

I sent bf a text from a town on the way home and he rang back, didnt sound that concerned over my “Pete is dead” text! Got home, he hugged me and that been it. I have spent 2 days now REALLY pissed off. he has made no efort at all to talk to me, ask whats wrong or anything. Its lovely having such a supportive partner!! he spent that night sat at his laptop doing all his role play stuff with me sat there thinking “I wish that laptop would get pushed up your arse you ignorant unconsiderate bastard!”

I didnt keep in touch with Pete as best I could, but then that worked both ways. he did say once that he never emailed me cos my email was always changing and he hated the phone, but then he has had my number for ages and could have rung but he never did. It just got left 10 years ago really and I would pop in a few times a year or twice a year to see him. I wish I’d done more now.

Till Claire reminded me of it, I didnt even know I had given her the url…shows how much I know :P

So, today? I’m pissed off, really pissed off. We had to go to the local town. we got back and had forgotten a few things so I went back out with B. We got to town, dossed about a bit in the charity shops, foiuund a good Childs version of Shakespeare plays and a good art book, both for £5, could have been better but…Iboth were books I had been after for ages. Got home 3 hours later, house a mess, no dinner started….all left for me as usual. So, I had to rush around, empty the dishwasher, cut food up etc, cook it, clean up a bit before serving it up and so on.

It just pissed me off. he doesnt work!!!! he is at home all day, yet here I am, everything is still down to me. he pissed me off months back when he said he wasnt decorating the house cos I didnt help him. I’m sorry but what the feck is my role in this house? I am mother, cook, dishwasher..ish, I fill and empty the dishwasher etc, I clean up, I make the beds, I do everyones washing, entertain and Home ed the kids etc etc. He does literally fuck all but sit on his arse on his bloody laptop and then moans cos on the very rare occassion he tries to paint the house I DONT HELP!!!!

The other week he had a go cos he couldnt find his mobile phone. I had just put his washing that HE put in the wash basket in the machine to wash. Suddenly he comes belting down the stairs thinking the phone was in them. he gets moody and blames me for the possiblility that his phone might be in the washing machine. I’m sorry but since when is it my responsibilty to check his clothes before they are washed. I’m of the opinion that a 28 year old is old enough to empty his bloody pockets before he puts his clothes in the wash!!! Why should I get a bollocking?

We then went out, sfter he found his phone and he was still mouthy i the car. I could hold it back no more and told him what I thought. he shouted, stopped the car abruptly and got out leaving me in the middle of nowhere in the car…at least he left me the keys…after throwing them in a ditch first.

That was it, I was stressed and ate till I felt sick nearlly and my diet has gone to pot since.

The rest of the time he is ok but its just I worry about the outbursts and I’m getting really peed off with being taken foir granted.

Take the kids to see all the different places they'd like to see.

make sure kids are happy/secure

Be happy

Leave my bf without any unpleasant after effects

Go to Japan,New Zealand, Australia

get my stomach and boobs sorted out….they are not pleasant

make someone smile every day :-D

Be a nice person ( I'm never sure that I am)

Be myself

Innri Njarðvíkur Kirkja

Originally uploaded by asmundur.

and found this, I must look up what HDR is.

Todays thoughts

May 20, 2006

I get frustrated. I have bf at home ALL day and I never get any space to think or just be! The thing is, even if bf were not at home all day I'd still have the girls with me 100% of the time, yet that doesnt bother me. I like it, I like it a lot. So, what is it about having bf here all the time that bothers me?

He is being pretty good lately but that just doesnt undo the past and I got to feeling VERY fed up about this whole relationship back then and I dont think that can be undone. I dont know if its that I have fallen out of love with him or just that I have realised he isnt the one for me or what, I'm just soooo confused about it all.

I resent the fact that I have no space away from him, that means I cant write my thoughts down or think really about things clearlly without him around. I feel I NEED a place to say I how feel, how I'm thinking without being persecuted, yet I no longer feel its worth telling him how I feel, and I cant get to ask other people what they would do….cos I dont get time off to see other people. So, all I think gets stuck inside and has no place to go :( I dont know if what I think/feel is justified, or is just silly. I have no way of finding out. I feel if I make a descision then it might be the wrong one, cos I cant get advice, but then that remark makes it sound like I dont trust my own judgement, so WHY dont I trust it?

I should write a list of possitives and negatives about the relationship, but I cant cos he would see them and wonder what I was doing. There is no space in this house and no privacy. I can leave things hidden out of the girls view but those places are all places bf can see.

He is in bed at the mo but I think he is getting up, or at least I'm worried that he is so I'll log off now.

bf's mum and dad are coming over on Monday, they say to deliever a late birthday present of money to bf from his grandad.

What are the chances of them bringing over "late" presents for all the kids I wonder? I'm sorry, I try not to get offended/cross at this sort of behaviour BUT it really does OFFEND me. I dont know what is worse? Them treating my kids (one of which whom is BIOLOGICALLY their grandchild) like nothing OR my bf not saying anything about it!

A Team stories

May 19, 2006

 Last night I watched a programme that reunited the A Team cast, well some of them. Was really good to see good ole Dwight Schultz (Murdoch AKA Barclay depending on wether you are a Trek fan too lol) I usually find celebs a bit…well a bit up their own arses when you see them being interviewed but he is one of the rare few who actually seemed a genuinly nice person.

I think to be honest that the show would have been much better if Justin Lee Collins was NOT the host. Why do people like watching him? I just dont like watching stuff where there is nothing but swearing and stuff. On my A Team search I found a site that says the show was actually set up so if that is the casr then there's no worry, BUT if it wasnt…I'd be pretty fed up if I were Dwight Schultz as Justin just barged into the studio he was working in and nobody tried to stop him. Obviously yes if it was set up then thats not an issue.

Anyway, I went on a DS search today ( he was my fave A team character back in the 80's….my youth) and I stumbled upon this site that allowed you to make up a A team episode LOL. Here is mine, and the sequel. (url is at end of first episode)

My A-Team Episode Synopsis

The Porn star's

by The Silent One
On tonight's A-Team, Mad Murdoch has an old friend who's a Porn star. But his friend has a big problem. A rival Porn star is trying to drive the friend out of business. The rival has already Slapped with a trout his friend's Sister, and tried to steal a Kettle.The rest of the team arrives to help. Face, is tremendously attracted to the pretty girl who works with the Porn star, but she prefers Hunny Muffs. To further complicate matters the team is being chased by a Fireman.

The A-Team has a fight with the men of the rival Porn star. Hunny Muffs says, ''Thats it, I'm going to my corner''. Mad Murdoch throws two guys through a window. Face gets a black eye and Hunny Muffs doesn't even break a sweat.

But the A-Team is captured when the rival's boss, Fish Head, shows up with twelve guys carrying uzis. The A-Team is locked in a sauna. Face says, ''Well thats torn it''. Hannibal comes up with a plan. They build an armored Tricycle out of Electric toothbrush's and odds 'n ends.

The A-Team escapes and goes into Fish Head's territory, guns a-blazing. ''All I wanted was to bake the perfect pie, and that Kettle was the key.'' complains Fish Head, as the A-Team leaves him tied up for a Fireman.

''The hell you are'' says Mad Murdoch.


My A-Team Episode Synopsis

The Loza

by The Silent One

The A-Team is hired by Lynn to go to Loza to rescue Lynn's third cousin 8 times removed from Crusty pants, who is intent on taking control of Loza.Because B.A. is afraid to fly they made him listen to Des O Connor for 2 hours and Murdock flies them to Loza. They arrive and go into the nearest laundarette where they get into a fight after asking about the client's third cousin 8 times removed. They are overwhelmed by twenty or thirty really big villagers.

The little village in Loza is living in terror of Crusty pants and the accompanying band of thugs. Mad Murdoch convinces the villagers to let them go by saying, ''Do it, or I'll make you watch The Generation Game''

Hannibal comes up with a plan. He has B.A. turn Toasters and a big a Spork into a deadly Wheelbarrow. Face pretends to be a social worker, but Crusty pants catches on and tries to whip with a Holly bush Face. Hannibal rescues Face at the last second. Then Hannibal goes in the 'front door' in their deadly Wheelbarrow. They manage to defeat all the thugs.

Crusty pants holds a gun to Lynn's third cousin 8 times removed's head and escapes using the deadly Wheelbarrow as transportation. The A-Team pursues them. Hannibal shoots out the side window. When Crusty pants slows down to take a turn Lynn's third cousin 8 times removed jumps out and is helped up by Mad Murdoch. Face throws explosives, causing the deadly Wheelbarrow to crash and flip over. Crusty pants climbs out unharmed. Face says ''My dad's better than your dad so there!''. The A-Team leaves Crusty pants tied up for the authorities.

And in the little village in Loza there is much rejoicing. In order to get B.A. to fly home though the A-Team has to made him listen to Des O Connor for 2 hours again.



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